Category Archives: life

04.13.11

A Mother’s Guilt.

to the moon and back | kiwi's list.
If you have been reading this blog for some time you know that I lost my mother to cancer 5 1/2 years ago.  What you may not know is that I inherited the very same cancer that took her life.  We found out in 1989 that Neets had Medullary Thyroid Cancer.  The disease was so aggressive that they told her that she had six months to live.  Refusing to accept this death sentence, she turned 6 months into 16 years.  Through her advocacy and persistance, our doctors at Johns Hopkins continued to test for a genetic marker that caused the disease.  In 2000, they found it.  My brother, sister and I were all tested and both my brother Darren and I tested positive for the gene. In January of 2000 we had our thyroids removed.  Darren had traces of cancer in his thyroid, but on none of the surrounding lymph nodes.  I not only had cancer on my thyroid, but on two of the four lymph nodes that they removed.
I will never forget the look of pain on my mother’s face.  How guilty she felt that she somehow was the cause of this pain for her children.  At the time I was 22, childless and completely disregarded these emotions.
I can honestly say that my mother saved our lives.  We now work closely with our doctors to ensure that the cancer is under control.  While I have minor traces of MTC, nothing to be alarmed of at this point.  Is it a curse?  In a way, but it is also a blessing.  We are so fortunate to have this information far enough in advance to prevent this disease from taking another life.
So, here comes the most difficult part for me.  A few weeks ago, we had our girls tested for this gene.  The results came back last week.  E does not have it, Anna does.  In a flash, it all came rushing to me- the guilt my mother felt.
At the very least, we hope that (because we know the facts early enough) in the grand scheme of things it would mean surgery for Anna Lou and an understanding of the disease so that she can have her children tested.  We will have to take her back for more blood work to make sure that there are no viable traces of cancer in her body (which would be quite rare at this age.)  If there are not, than she will most likely have a thyroidectomy at age six.
Does it suck?  Yes.  Is it going to kill me to put my baby through this?  Yes.  But if this testing was available when my mother was a child, she would be with us today.  I just wish the curse would have ended with me.

11.02.10

Sisters.

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there. ~Amy Li
I am in awe each day as I watch my girls interact with each other and their bond grow stronger. I just warms my heart.

10.30.10

A Fecal Matter.

WARNING.. Not advised to read unless you have a strong stomach, or are a Mom. The literature below is extremely…. well….gross.
Poor E- she had lice for 4th of July, strep for Labor Day, and we are really hoping that she is able to kick this stomach flu for Halloween. As most of you know, she started vomiting on Tuesday night. Well, yesterday we sent her to school for the first time because she seemed to be feeling much better. The girls’ school also had their annual Halloween parade, which is a big deal to these kiddos. So, off she went.
 
Mike and I showed up at 4:00 for the parade, and all seemed to be fine. She had a great day at school, and was so excited for the weekend to come. After the parade, we headed over to Chick-fil-A with friends. All of a sudden, I hear that E is in the bathroom crying… I knew it couldn’t be good. However, it couldn’t be much worse. Poor E had thought she just had to “toot”, but unfortunately, it was a lot more than a toot. The technical term for this is sharting. Whether or not they like to admit it, it happens to everyone at least once in their life. Back to E- let’s just say I had to throw away her panties, go to the car to get her new pants (Thank God I had some) and complete a rigorous clean up in that bathroom stall.
 
I thought the worst was behind us, oh what a fool I was. We got her home, put her in the tub, and all seemed to be okay. We headed down to the basement as a family to watch Scared Shrekless, which was awesome by the way. Throughout the movie there was a little toot here or there, and with each gastric explosion I would jump up and ask her if she was ok. All was good, or so I thought. Then it happened. The shart of all sharts. It all happened so fast, I am still perplexed by the whole thing. First, the shart, then E started screaming and flinging her arms in the air. I saw her trying to get her panties off. As I screamed “No, no, no!”, her soiled panties were flying through the air. Not my best motherly moment, but I lost it. I had been covered in vomit and feces for three days now, and finally broke. She got the couch, the dog, the rug, the pillows, there was even poop on her forehead. Mike heard the screaming and came running downstairs. We have a shower in our basement, so in it she went. And then the clean up began. I started the laundry and put E in clean clothes as Mike had to wash poor Bailey outside with a hose. After that, he left for a poker game that he had been looking forward to all week.
 
Now it was time for bed. I thought, this poor baby can’t have any more poop left in her body… I mean she hasn’t eaten in almost three days! I still had some Little Swimmers left in the linen closet, and surprisingly, she wanted to wear one. I read her two books and off she went. I crept into my bed, finished some e-mails and caught up on a few shows. I think I fell asleep around 12:30 or so. At 1:30 I heard the doors to my bedroom open and E was crying saying “it happened again!” I guided her to the bathroom, and put her in the tub. Her sheets were soiled beyond belief and she was crying hysterically. (Can we talk about how Little Swimmers don’t work AT ALL!) I could not have her wake up Lou, so I texted Mike and told him that I needed him to come home. He was here within 10 minutes. This time I stripped the bed, Mike got E dressed, and took her to bed.
 
This morning she has eaten toast, and drank some water (the menu of a prisoner) and so far so good. We are keeping our fingers crossed, as we have so many fun events and parties planned this weekend.

08.04.10

A Date With My Girl.

Last Saturday, I took my favorite almost-five-year-old out for a date that consisted of dinner and a movie.Since she is at that in-between stage of a toddler and a big girl, we were dealing with some behavioral issues that we were trying to break her of.Long story short- this date was a privilege that she earned for her good behavior.
 
We went to a fairly nice restaurant (let’s be real, I was with a 4 year old… we are not talking Morton’s here, but there were at least linen tablecloths.I was just thrilled to not have to order out of a clown’s nose.)Despite her telling me that her “burger tasted a little bland,” we had a fantastic dinner.Great company, fantastic conversation- I was amazed at how much my little girl had grown up.Gone are the days of telling her repeatedly to sit down, or stop whining. (Keeping my fingers crossed on that one!)
 
After dinner, we were off to see Ramona and Beezus. Growing up, I loved reading Beverly Cleary’s stories about that mischievous girl next door, Ramona, and her older sister, Beatrice. As Cleary says “It is not that Ramona deliberately sets out to make trouble for other people. She simply has more imagination than is healthy for any one person.”
 
When the director of the film, Elizabeth Allen sat down with Cleary to discuss the making of the film, here is what she uncovered:
 
“I feel it’s about girl who thinks outside the lines, who’s struggling to figure out how to conform without losing her personality,'” Allen says. “And Beverly felt strongly that it was actually just about a girl learning how to grow up.”
“She has an imagination,” Beverly Cleary says of her most famous creation. “And some of her things just don’t turn out the way she expected. “Those “things” often get Ramona in trouble, and then make her feel misunderstood.
This interview sums up my revelation during the film.We hold our children to such high standards that sometimes we forget that they are just that- children. True, Ramona does march to the beat of her own drum, much like my E… oh yeah, and much someone else used to… ME! But don’t we need a little bit more of that in this world?
 
I will never forget, when I would give my mother a hard time growing up, she would tell me “I wish you no harm in this world, all I wish is that you have a little girl just like yourself. ”Well Neets, you got your wish.  As parents we focus so much on the “hard metrics” of parenting… Are they doing well in school? Do they follow directions? What activities do I need to sign them up for? How do they compare against their peers? Saturday night was a great interruption from all of the noise- allowing me to focus on what was really important in raising happy, healthy kids.
 
So, the very reason why we were at this movie was as much a privilege for me as it was for her.And as my little girl moved from her chair and nestled into my lap during the last half of the film, here is what occurred to me:
 
1. It’s important to set expectations for your children, but always remember that they are just that- children.
2. Encourage creativity.
3. Always let your child know how much you love them.
4. Be a positive role model.
5. You can never get (or give) too many kisses and hugs.
6. It’s okay to be different.
7. Everyone is special.
8. Celebrate all accomplishments, big and small.
9. Teach your children how to bond with their siblings- this is a relationship that will last long after you are gone.
10. The most important thing in life is to be happy.

07.06.10

My Worst Nightmare.

Ever seen one of these? If you have than you know exactly what I am talking about. That’s right. E decided to take a few friends home from school this weekend and needless to say, we do not approve. We have been treating, washing and disinfecting for four days straight. Our washer and dryer have been literally running for 80 hours non-stop. We spent over $200 at CVS on various lice products, and had to go back two more times for more. After the entire family was treated on Saturday morning, we have literally washed every sheet, towel and article of clothing as soon as they have used it. I have changed all of our beds a total of 6 times in the past three days. That’s 18 changes (6 changes x 3 beds) in case you cared. What a nightmare.